I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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