we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
