So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
