how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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