happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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