I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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