Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
