so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
