i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
