He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
