He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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