just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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