My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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