I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
