The maid of honor just puked.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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