Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize