first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
