It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
