Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize