I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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