i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
