You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
