i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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