true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
