I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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