Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
