mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
