my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
