I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
