Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i think i just lost a toe
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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