So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
