My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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