hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
