Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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