Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
