Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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