Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
