but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
