My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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