4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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