i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
