Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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