And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
