Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
