Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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