Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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