i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
