I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
In America we eat man semen.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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