I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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