There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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