I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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