i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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