he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
