it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
this is an emotional support booty call
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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