Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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