theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
