I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Someone came in the potted fern
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize