When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
