i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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