shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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