come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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