we're chasing vodka with high fives
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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