My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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