Do you still have your period?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
