she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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